Here I Am

I didn’t know I had lost Me; and it feels almost like magic, to have found My Self again.

A few years ago after The Separation, spontaneously taken by Tina Mavric, who surprised me by calling the picture: “Looking into a brighter future”

It’s taken a few years to find myself again, in fullness. I did not know that after The Separation, I would lose My Self. I did not know that after Motherhood, a part of me would also be lost. That when Anxiety and Depression came into my life Postpartum, I would not even recognize myself in the mirror. I did not know that as my 20s turned into 30s, my view of Life would change so much that inherently, Whole Parts of me would be lost too. I did not foresee how any of the Events in my Life, would somehow conspire to get me to a place where at times, I’ve felt utterly lost, adrift, untethered, and alone.

I keep pinpointing The Separation as the turning point in my life, but maybe The Losing of Me started earlier. Perhaps, when we made a Transatlantic Move and I lost my roots along the way into a new continent, a new country, and a new way of life. Or maybe during Infertility, Pregnancy, and Motherhood, where I poured myself into my First Child, and then my Second Child, with the wholehearted intention of not leaving my Marriage and my Life on the sidelines but struggling to balance the delicate act of Mothering and Living. Perhaps in the months where I was feeling absolutely engulfed by the constant Dread and heart-wrenching Sadness that would wake me up…