I didn’t know I had lost Me; and it feels almost like magic, to have found My Self again.
It’s taken a few years to find myself again, in fullness. I did not know that after The Separation, I would lose My Self. I did not know that after Motherhood, a part of me would also be lost. That when Anxiety and Depression came into my life Postpartum, I would not even recognize myself in the mirror. I did not know that as my 20s turned into 30s, my view of Life would change so much that inherently, Whole Parts of me would be lost too. I did not foresee how any of the Events in my Life, would somehow conspire to get me to a place where at times, I’ve felt utterly lost, adrift, untethered, and alone.
I keep pinpointing The Separation as the turning point in my life, but maybe The Losing of Me started earlier. Perhaps, when we made a Transatlantic Move and I lost my roots along the way into a new continent, a new country, and a new way of life. Or maybe during Infertility, Pregnancy, and Motherhood, where I poured myself into my First Child, and then my Second Child, with the wholehearted intention of not leaving my Marriage and my Life on the sidelines but struggling to balance the delicate act of Mothering and Living. Perhaps in the months where I was feeling absolutely engulfed by the constant Dread and heart-wrenching Sadness that would wake me up early morning and prevented me from going to sleep late at night. Or maybe, it all started before, when at 19 years old, I left my Home, my Country, my Culture, my Language, and my People. It might be all of these combined, and maybe none at all.
Knowing that my Marriage was suffering was not a surprise, but finding out about The Affair was earth shattering. I was told that I had been absent: as a partner, as a wife, as a lover. It’s hard to look at that reflection of yourself, the one your partner talks about, and recognize yourself in it.
“Is he right?”
“Did I do (or not do) those things?”
“Did I really forget about him? About our relationship?”
“Is my view of things askew?”
These past few years, I’ve spent so much time looking at the Pieces, trying to make them fit together, make sense…